My Husband Embarrases Me!
Updated: Jul 9, 2019
November 10th 2017
What do you do when the behaviour of your significant other embarrasses you? It’s such a tough situation. No matter how many times you’ve tried to communicate to them, they simply refuse to change. In this video we explore ways in which to handle this situation while not losing our minds!
This week I wanted to share a beautiful experience that I had Sunday morning when a lovely group of ladies come together and met at my house to discuss all things spiritual and modern day lifestyle. Basically, how to approach our modern-day problems, our everyday problems, with an underlying spiritual viewpoint.
This was a common question or dilemma that the ladies presented with, and we discussed it and we tried to come up with some solutions. The predicament was my husband embarrasses me and the question is how do I not let it affect me, what can I do about it, I know that I am in control of my inner world but how do I go about it.
A couple of interesting stories came up. One was the husband and wife were driving home from a day out and when they arrived at their house a massive truck was blocking the driveway. There was construction work happening next door. And so this massive truck was blocking their driveway preventing them from driving into their garage. And the husband winds the window down and yells at the guy, move your truck. She just cowers behind going oh no, why do you have to speak like that. And sure enough the truck guy said speak to me nicely which made everything a bit worse. Her husband then said look, we’re just trying to get back into our house, just move the truck.
Honestly, fair request. Don’t park your truck in someone else’s driveway and then get annoyed when they’re frustrated that they have to ask you to move it. I get that. It’s a frustrating experience. You’re allowed to be angry. But nevertheless the wife was feeling really deeply embarrassed by it and it’s a bit of a snowball effect where this is one incident of many where her husband’s temper and the way he expresses his anger towards other people affects her and makes her feel embarrassed. That was the word. Embarrassed.
Another lady shared how her husband expresses his anger which is with the finger, finger pointing. Let me tell you blah blah blah. And you know, she asked him why do you have to point your finger like that. And he’s like well I’m just, I don’t even… he didn’t realise he was doing it… I’m just trying to make a point. By pointing!
It’s common. It’s an everyday kind of situation. But as a wife you’re trying to live with this other person. Are you allowed to get affected by it? Are you allowed to be annoyed and angry? Are you allowed to go and say look, this is wrong, I don’t like this behaviour, you need to stop it. What do you do in that situation? And so we had this massive discussion around it and a few things came up and I wanted to share with you today what came up.
First of all we discussed the dynamics of a marriage, of a committed relationship and how it’s likely, it’s inevitable actually, that we’re going to rub each other up the wrong way. So that’s to be expected. We all understood that. The other thing is that we’re there to also press each other’s buttons, and that’s a given because we have plenty of experiences where we’ve done something that’s upset the husband and they’re in the similar situation that we’re finding ourselves in now.
The other thing is that when you’re in a couple, it’s very easy to see your partner as an extension of your own ego. And so even though you feel like you’re trying to protect them from other people’s anger and you’re trying to protect them from being hurt and upset with the reaction that you can predict is going to happen when they behave and express anger in a way that’s bordering disrespectful, there is that component of wanting to protect them but then at the same time there’s a bigger component that’s trying to protect yourself. Because, if they’re an extension of your ego, how people view them and judge them directly links in to you.
So you can recognise that they are being judged by other people and they are not being liked by other people, they’re not pleasing the other person, and in an interlinked way I am being judged, I am not pleasing other people, I’m not liked. And so yes, we’re trying to protect them from other people’s judgment and at the same time we’re trying to protect ourselves from feeling that judgment because we’ve interlinked our egos together, almost like one person.
On that foundation we discussed okay, so how do we untangle from that? How do we not let that affect us? And I brought it back to this theory. If you’ve watched my videos you know what this means, but if you haven’t then I’ll just quickly give you a rundown. This bowl represents our inner world, our inner space which is everything that’s going on on the inside that other people can’t see. They’re not aware of it. So it’s our thoughts, our feelings, our decisions, our reactions, our memories, pretty much everything in our subconscious mind and also our conscious mind that we’re thinking and processing. But it also contains our spirit, our soul. So this is the whole of our inner world.
This ball of wool represents our mind, and our mind’s job is to think. It’s just what it does. It thinks. So this ball represents our mind and everything that’s ever been thought and processed. It also… it kind of represents our subconscious mind as well with all the patterns… all the lines, all the patterns of behaviour, all the memories and the repercussions from certain memories and events that we’ve experienced in the past. It basically is our history. It’s everything that’s ever happened to us. And it sits inside our inner world, right? It exists inside our inner world.
When we are identifying with this ball of wool, our mind, as who we truly are… then just imagine being inside this ball of wool… then it feels very tangled up and confusing and hurtful sometimes to try and process what’s going on on the outside from this perspective, from inside the ball of wool. If we have enough space to recognise that this is just the history of who I am, it’s not what I need to identify with as me, and we can step out and have some space, we can step into the space around the ball of wool inside the bowl, that spaciousness, the spirit of who we are that’s not caught up in the ego identification.
So, when you’re inside the ball of wool that is when the ego becomes created, that’s when it exists, because I am this ball of wool. As soon as you step out of the ball of wool and you’re inside the spaciousness around it, you’re just looking at a tool which is the mind that thinks. You can observe the thoughts, you can observe the actions but you’re not identified with them. They are just happening.
And so, this is enough to deal with. If you’re inside your own ball of wool, that’s enough to deal with. When you’re taking on your husband’s or your wife’s reactions and outbursts and your… I mean what the ladies were saying was that we were trying to tell him don’t speak like that, don’t make a scene, don’t yell, can’t you speak nicely, and the husband would inevitably dig their heels in further going don’t tell me what to do.
Now little disclaimer, I think it’s kind of natural and almost a given that as a wife the last person’s advice you listen to is your husband’s and vice versa. So my husband will always say when I come home with this amazing idea that a friend told me – he’s like I told you that last week, and I’d be like oh actually you did. I just didn’t pay attention to it. So it’s normal to not listen to our better half, our other half. It’s just kind of part and parcel because we don’t just take the advice. We take all the stuff that’s sitting behind the advice.
When you’re trying to change someone’s reaction, you’re trying to get inside their inner world and trying to change their inner world. In effect, imagine this is the husband’s inner world and his ball of wool. You’re just trying to take on the whole responsibility. That’s too much. It’s impossible. It’s impossible to make someone change. It’s impossible to have them behave in the way that you wish them to. All you can do is bring awareness and say this is what I see, this is how I think you could do things a bit better, and then you kind of got to let it go. You can’t keep going at them to change. Only they can do it. Only they can change.
The question is how do we deal with this from here.
Separate your ego from your partner’s ego.
The first thing is you’ve got to have distance between you and your partner. You’ve got to recognise that they’ve got their own inner world, their own tapestry within them, their own memories, the reasons why they do what they do, as long as they’re not causing harm to you in terms of violence or abuse. I mean that’s a whole different story. You just want to not have that in your life. I’m talking about everyday arguments and getting triggered. But you have to peel yourself away from their ego identity and they are not an extension of your ego. They are their own separate thing. So you give them space to be who they are and you don’t need to take on other people’s judgment of them as your own. So when someone is reacting badly to them it’s not a reflection of you. It doesn’t have to be. It’s a reflection of their interaction with that person so you can let that go. It is difficult to let it go.
Focus on You
And this is the second part, after you peel yourself away from their ego you’ve got to deal with your own. So you’ve got to figure out… okay, so in the case of these lovely ladies it was a feeling of embarrassment that would wash over them whenever these interactions would happen. So the question is why do I feel embarrassed? Okay, I feel embarrassed because that person is now yelling at my husband, he’s married to me, it reflects on us as a couple, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that this is happening, that I’m part of this behaviour.
Part of embarrassment that gets tangled up in it is judgment. So, you feel embarrassed when you feel judged, and under judgment is shame, is this feeling of shame, I’ve done something wrong, I’m not worthy. That feeling of being judged for who you are can then lead to feeling embarrassed for who you are and for what you are.
Inside your ball of wool there’s little hooks and buttons, and these buttons get pushed, often by this, but also all other things can push your buttons. And the only way to really release and let go of this whole experience of feeling embarrassed by what your partner does, feeling affected at all really, is to go within and go okay, what is happening in my inner world? How do I deal with the feelings I’m feeling separate from them? So the feelings of embarrassment dig deep, dig deep, dig deep, and say what’s at the bottom of that and work on that, work on your own inner world. Recognise that this is the only thing you can change. It’s the only thing you can work on. It’s the only thing you’ve got control over. You don’t have control over the way someone else behaves and acts. You can try to control them but that’s not the same as actually being in control of them. You can only control this.
Recognise also that when you’re inside this ball of wool, the way it works is that the ego needs to feel better than other people or worse than other people, needs to feel better or worse. And so when you’re operating from this place what you’re doing is you are putting yourself above your partner. This is the way it needs to be. This is the way you need to behave in order for me to feel okay, to feel happy.
At the same time in that situation when you’re getting hit with all this judgment from other people around you, you’re doing this. So the other people are allowed to judge you and say horrible things and then you end up feeling terrible and that’s because you’re taking on that judgment.
When you can step outside this ball of wool there’s two things that you can do.
Notice your patterns: You step outside the ball of wool and you can just notice the knots that are inside this ball of wool that cause pain. You can see them as patterns in your reactions. When you have that space looking at this from an objective place, you’re like ah okay, well that’s when I felt embarrassed last and that’s another time and that’s another time and you kind of look at a pattern. And when you can see the pattern of the way you’re reacting to the outside world which includes your partner, he’s in your outside world, you can dig deep and go okay what is at the base of this, where is this coming from, where did it start, how do I let go of it.Let go of the patterns: I used to give guidance to people on how to get rid of those kind of… knots is what I call it, knots in the ball of wool, but what I’ve learnt is that I have several ways that I can let go of these knots and I found ways that work for me, and once those knots are gone and untangled then my husband can do whatever he wants and it’s not going to really affect me. We’re separate people.
But if you ask the universe, you yourself if you’ve recognised your patterns and your triggers and the things that set you off and your partner is one of the main players that’s going to set you off, if you can recognise the patterns that are coming up for you honestly just have your hands open to the universe and say okay, I recognise this pattern, help me let it go, show me what needs to be done to let this go, and you will be shown a way, guaranteed. You’ll be shown a way. If you keep your ears open and your feelers out you will be shown a way to release that from you.
Everyone is different. Everyone’s got things that work for them. I can share what works for me and I have in other videos, but if you just send that intention out into the world, help me release this knot, help me release this pattern on the inside, the universe will respond. It will bring a book, it’ll bring a person, it’ll bring a video, it’ll bring something into your space that will just be the penny-dropping moment and it’ll just be dropped, it’ll be untangled, it’ll go, and then that reaction doesn’t happen anymore.
Your partner is your greatest gift.
I’m going to wrap up. It’s been a long video. But your partner is one of your greatest gifts. If there’s a good foundation of love, acceptance, and respect they’re one of your greatest gifts because this ego identity is going to trigger off this ego identity, and so we do it to each other. I couldn’t find an equal-sized ball of wool to match this. It’s not like this guy’s got a bigger ego. It’s just a bigger ball of wool. But their responsibility, their role is to bring out everything that’s unconscious within you, that separates you from your true self, from being in the spaciousness of your inner being. They’re there to pull out all the knots. That’s their role.
When it happens it’s like ah, okay something else to let go of that doesn’t match my soul that needs to go, that’ll bring me back to inner peace, that won’t trigger me off again. But be easy on yourself. Be compassionate. Be kind. It’s difficult to be inside this trying to sort it out, but all your sadhana, all your spiritual practices aim to bring you out of that space to look in with an objective eye, self-inquiry, to see okay, what’s going on in my inner world? What am I not happy with? What can I release? What can I accept? What can I let go of?
At the end of the day your partner is a beautiful gift that’s there to help you reconnect even deeper with your own soul. And the more you focus outward and try to change them and their inner world, the less time you’re spending on your own. So refocus and shift the angle back inside to look at what’s going on inside you, what needs to be released, what patterns are not helping, what’s reoccurring, reoccurring and what needs to go, what are you not happy to settle for anymore.
I hope that was helpful. It was a lovely discussion yesterday morning. There’s a lot more to discuss about it but those were the two things,
1. To peel yourself away from your partner’s ego and then -
2. To look at the knots inside your own ball of wool and ask the universe help me let that go.
That is the easiest way to no longer be embarrassed by what your husband does.